The Stress Monkey Lives

Today is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. My mood is ferocious so beware!!!! I think I am burned out, just a bit. However, I will push on. I have an unbelievable amount of work to do by tomorrow at 1 PM. I like what I have to do with the exception of the oral presentation. Normally, I love doing oral presentations, however, this one's subject matter, which I will not go into, is not something that interests me. I now remember what it is like to have to work on something that does not interest you and it is painful. Add to that I am one page into my 8-10 page paper and have aproximately 300 pages to read and I do not foresee much sleep in my future, which will make me very very grumpy tomorrow. There was a bright spot to my day, though. My dear friend texted me a "good morning" message earlier and I look at it to remind myself there is life out there.
I regained my focus and must press on. I work at the grad center today so if I see anything amusing, I will be sure to update you. Now I know why grad students are grumpy. I did something I thought I would never do - join their ranks.

ENFJ and the inability to focus

Happy Sunday, people! I took the Myers-Briggs test and I am an ENFJ. Do you know what this means? I am a distinctivhttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.photo.gif
I am a distinctively expressed extravert, moderately expressed intuitive personality, moderately expressed feeling personality, and distinctively expressed judging personality. What does this mean? You would ask! Here is where you can go to see all about me: http://www.personalitypage.com/ENFJ_rel.html If you want to take the test yourself, here is the website: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes1.htm Tell me what you are! I am interested! I think this is dead on for me, by the way.

Instead of taking personality tests and discerning my strengths and weaknesses, I should be working on my presentation (30-35 minutes in length, total), writing my literature review or reading the 600 page book all of which needs to be done by 1 PM on Tuesday. I am writing my literature review on the income discrepancies between single moms and single dads. Gender wage and hiring discrimination is real, people!!! It is hard for me to not get totally livid while doing my research and stay focused and as objective as possible.

Back to preparing the presentation. Wish me luck. Please distract me by commenting on my blog.

My Mind is Swimming

I just finished an econ class and talked to my TA about PhDs and my career. I need to talk with her more about it. She is getting her PhD in Social Welfare after a successful career doing foundation work. I have been throwing the idea around in my mind since I started my program. I need to figure out how isolating my career would be. I love doing research, but I also love being with people. I know I would be a good teacher. I also know I want to go speak in front of House and Senate Committees on the Hill. I don't want to be working at a school in the middle of nowhere because that is where I can get a job. I know I went to a fabulous school in the middle of nowhere. Can I get a job outside of academia if it isn't a fit for me? This is why I want to talk to my TA about her experience in the non-profit and foundation sector. The other issue is I want to study women's empowerment, but what does that mean? Do I become an expert in women and poverty? I want to do econ without the calculus. I have to be careful because no PhD in social welfare will accept me if I do not want to stay in academia. None. At least none at the schools I would be applying to. Do you realize that the PhD in Social Welfare at Penn is tied for 1st place along with UC Berkley? I would need to do some research about where else I would like to apply, should I decide to pursue my PhD. I want to be the first woman in my family to get her doctorate. I guess the question is whether I will get one, it is when and where.

In the mean time, I have to write a literature review for my research class. It is not as fun as it sounds, dweeby english majors (you know I love you). I am studying the income of single mothers and single fathers in America to see if there is a difference and if so, why. Literature reviews are where I look at the literature (journal articles) out there, see what they say, then see where I am going. In a paper. I need a hypothesis people. How do you measure social capital? I am hoping from my literature, I can figure it all out, enough to write a fantabulous paper at least.

The Longest Print Job...Ever

You will not believe how long it is taking to print my reading for this week. It is only 45 pages and took around 10 minutes. Mind you, this is not even in color. I am at work at the Graduate Student Center, listening to the radio and trying to figure out how in the world I will get my papers down to 7 pages. I have already gone half-way on to the 7th page and haven't even started on Reagan's Block Grants, let alone the 1996 landmark legislation. Oh well.

Enough about this paper, let me tell you about the grad center. So I am here today and in a fairly good mood. I love seeing who comes in here and what they are wearing. It is usually an odd combination of students. For example, this guy looks like he spends some time in the gym and what is he wearing???? Red crocs (no!), badly faded camo shorts and a tee shirt. I am speechless.

Adventures in Research!

Howdy folks. I am sure while I am writing this, you are most likely out enjoying a beautiful early autumn evening while I am in a computer lab, with a printer with no toner (but hey, it is free when it works!) looking at the history of welfare legislation in the United States. Remember that paper on microfinance as a part of a solution to poverty in America? Well, after receiving my paper back from my professor and realizing that I am trying to frame the issue around the solution, I am now in the throws of framing the issue of poverty itself and, specifically, the feminization of poverty in the US. So, here is what I have to write an 8 page paper on by Tuesday:

Often policy issues have a long history that includes perspectives and critical choices that, although made in the past, continue to influence current policy development. This paper requires you to understand the historical evolution of the issue and related policies.

When did this issue first emerge as a public concern?

For each major era in which policy choices were made document
oHow was the issue defined?
oWhat social values were threatened by the issue?
oWhat were the definitions of the problem?
oWhat policy strategy was selected?
oWhat assumptions and values were reflected in the choices?
oHow did social, economic and political factors influence the choices?

Contemporary view
oHow is the issue framed today?
oWhat factors in the current environment influence how this issue is viewed?
oWhat are the major controversies today?

How am I going to do this in only EIGHT pages, including sources???? Ok, so you want to hear about the adventure, not my plight regarding the short length of the paper. Being the amazingly nerdy individual I am, I thought I would go straight to the horse's mouth and take a look at H.R. 3734 Personal Responsiblity and Work Opportunity Reconciliation Act of 1996, which was the most recent federal social welfare overhaul. Guess how many pages the Bill is. 251 pages. Take a guess at how long the Budget Report for that act is. Guess. If you guessed 2056 pages, you are correct! This is about a year after the Paperwork Reduction Act, I believe. Anyhow, we have not even TOUCHED JFK/LBJ's Great Society nor the mother of them all, Social Security and all the other FDR stuff. I think I am going to have get real general on this one. The feminization lens may not even be applied to this paper. We'll see how it goes. So, for those of you following my microeconomics paper, this has replaced it. But microeconomics will come in the end, not to worry. Homefry-I appreciate your comment and book suggestions! I will definitely look into that once I am back on the topic.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!

No picture today. Sorry. I can't get the link to work. I have 2 midterms tomorrow and I want to do well. The thing is I am a bit discouraged. I got back my paper yesterday in my favorite class and I did not do as well as I had hoped. I am meeting with the Professor tomorrow. I am not going to get a 3.0 again. No, not this time. Sometimes I wonder how smart I am and if I am oh so brainy, how do I translate that to a paper? That is why I am taking a writing class for 6 weeks! SIX friggin' weeks!!! But I figure it will help me. You can always improve your writing. It gets better and better the more you do it and it is essential for my future.

I am just a ball of frustration, even though I had a massage earlier today. I think it is because I am not feeling super motivated. But I must keep on keepin' on. I don't want to talk to anyone and I am sitting at work, surrounded by 29 people. They are nice, and leave me alone for the most part. Just call me stress monkey and I promise if you do call me, I won't bite your head off and will try to not wail and gnash my teeth too much.

Statistics, Pandora Radio and Karaoke, Baby!

Today I am studying for my statistics midterm. Standard deviations, anyone?? My life got considerably easier for the moment because my professor moved my paper to be due a week from Tuesday as opposed to in 3 days, which means I will most likely pass both my economics and statistics midterms with flying colors. If all goes according to plan, I will have two more "A"s to add to my cache. I seriously cannot believe it is mid-semester already. My work load is, unfortunately, positively skewed. For those non-statisticians out there, that means the majority of my work is at the end of the semester. In fact, I have no idea if I can even take a break at Thanksgiving. Yup, it is that serious. I need to talk with my aunt and uncle about coming to Up State NY to see them at some point, although the way things are looking now, Thanksgiving is not the time for that. Nona has invited me to go to Buffalo with her and what is attractive about that offer is I don't have to figure out transportation. Her parents are both academics so I know I could hide in the study and work on papers throughout my visit. The thing is the week after Turkey Day is truly, truly brutal. 4 major papers and one reading log. So, I guess the real question is if I have the discipline to work ahead the 3 weeks before Thanksgiving. I have to if I am to survive. I am going to plan things out this weekend.

Presently, I am listening to Pandora radio on line and it is quite kewl. I think I will try this out when I get to work on Monday for my stint. We have to have music on while we are at the desk and I figure that I listen to my music collection all the time so the 6 whole hours a week I have the desk job can be devoted to expanding my musical indy rock horizons.

Last night was quite an evening! It was my friend, Yoshi's, birthday. Nona and I made zucchini pie, delicious salad and purchased a pumpkin cheesecake from the Amish. Our friend, Dee, brought over 2 FABULOUS bottles of wine. After an amazing meal and enlightening conversation, we were off to karaoke, Japanese style. Japanese style is where you get a room with all of your friends and sing to each other as opposed to the whole bar. Yoshi sang "Annie's Song" by John Denver. He was going to sing "Sexy Back" by JT, but they did not have the song, much to all of our dismay. My tutoree, Hiro, joined us as did Steve and Junior. Needless to say, it was great and highly entertaining. Hiro and I's birthdays are next so I anticipate more karaoke in the future.

Take care, my friends. I'll write again soon!

Pop Goes the World

Hello. I am sorry it has been a while between posts. No excuses, all apology. Tonight, I went to my first stitch night session. There were 3 people there, including me, and I have hopes for growth. It was at the Women's Center and that is quite a space here on campus. It is perfectly located and the rooms are spacious and warm. Men are allowed there too, not to worry.

So this week is fairly light, but I am re-writing a paper, doing reading, and researching. Guess what I am researching. Keep guessing. If you guessed federal legislation regarding micro-lending as a poverty reduction policy, you guessed correctly. Is there legislation specifically in this area? I have no clue! Sigh. What's a girl to do? There are a couple projects that were federally funded so I'll see if I can figure out the money trail...if, for some reason you have ANY insight, hook a sister up, aka, tell me. Please. I am not pleading, yet.

What is saving me from despair over this research project??? Listening to "Pop goes the world" by the Men Without Hats. You CANNOT be sad and listen to the song. It just makes you feel good. So, that in contrast to my new Bob Dylan, some Who (Baba O'Riley anyone?!), some country and I am one happy chick. I still love it here. Not to worry, I have had a mini-melt down. There are moments when I cannot wear my brave face. In fact, the Brave Faced Ems took Saturday off. It is important that one does not stuff feelings down. It is also important to not melt down in public unless absolutely necessary. Take care, friends. I'll be posting again soon.

Talk Nerdy to Me

My brain hurts. I feel a bit isolated here in my room due to studying microenterprenurial (sp?!) programs in America as part of an economic social policy aimed at lifting people and families out of poverty. While I find the topic interesting, I am very tired of reading and trying to formulate a focus paper on it. This, by the way, would be only part of a greater poverty eradication program in the US. I see it as both beneficial to bringing those enterprising souls out of their current position and a bit of prevention as well - you know, breaking the cycle. It is not, however, a cure-all by any means. Make me stop. It hurts. Everything is fuzzy...

If I had a magic 8 ball and I asked it if I am going to be sleep deprived this week, it would respond "outlook good". I am in for a heck of a week - 3 assignments due, 2 meetings with professors, I start working at the grad center 6 hours a week, my Japanese tutoree returns from Peru and reading. Lots and lots of reading.

The thing is, I do not think I have ever been happier in my life. Even sitting here, feeling the need for some human contact - a hug would be great - I am happy. I worked almost 29 years to get here. Holy cow, I am almost 29 years old! Before you know it, I will be 30, then 40...

Back to the journal articles. Please write me if you get a chance. I am feeling a bit disconnected! Pull my head out of the journals and blurry lines of policy...if only for a moment.

Leave it to me...

As some of you may know, I have an incredible knack of embarrassing myself by saying the wrong thing to the wrong people. Some of you may remember the time I teased Nona's dad about getting pedicures with us, not knowing the man was missing toenails due to a lawnmower accident. Unfortunately for you, my gentle readers, this next skill of mine is not so entertaining. I have a 6 page social policy analysis paper due on Tuesday where I could pick ANY social issue to work on and what do I pick? Microeconomic loans to women. You might say to yourself: that sounds interesting...what's the catch? The catch is the US Government does not presently HAVE a social policy program that is similar to the other programs (although run by NGOs) around the world. So, what does my professor suggest I do? Create the policy!! Of course, not in six pages, but still. Why do I make things harder for myself? I can't track this issue in the news! It has absolutely NOTHING to do with current American Social policies like, oh, Social Security, Health Care, TANF (Temporary Assistance to Needy Families), tax credits....the list goes on and on. So, not only do I have to have a knowledge base on how these programs operate in the developing world, I now, through divine intervention (because that is what it will take), have to figure out if it would even be remotely feasible in the current US system and if it would, in fact, help individuals and families break the cycle of poverty!!!!!! Stay tuned for future laments and progress reports...if, for some reason you are interested in what I am researching, please, let me know. I would be happy to share...

Cuba Libre

Greetings from the City of Brotherly Love! This week is Philadephia Restraunt week so, at participating restaraunts, patrons can get an appetizer, entree and dessert for $30. Nona and I ventured to Old City to a very cool restraunt, Cuba Libre. Our meal started with a delicious crab bisque, followed by seared Mahi Mahi with a pistachio crust and black bean sauce, ending with a delicious vanilla flan with a wee apple breaded something on top. How could I forget the mojito??? Mmmm, cool and refreshing. I don't know how Cuban this meal was (I will guess it is not very 'authentic'), but it was totally delicious and the perfect amount of food. So Nona and I had the experience I was so longing for in the previous post. The inside of the restraunt is awesome, with palm trees, high ceilings windows that open on to the street and waiters in white shirts. Who knows when, on my graduate student budget, I will be able to have an experience like this again, but I look forward to it. Maybe I should hang out around Wharton more - ah ha ha ha ha, just kidding. I doubt it would be worth the trade off, although I will keep an open mind and not pre-judge....
Here's a link to the restaraunt: http://www.cubalibrerestaurant.com/philly_index.php

Meet me at the Wrecking Ball

Firstly, I would like to thank those of you who comment on my blog - I really enjoy reading your thoughts on what I say and just want to thank you. Profusely.

Secondly, I want to apologize for my absence the past few days. I had my first reading log and paper due this week, along with an almost obscene amount of reading. But excuses are lame. Still, please bear with me.

I am still enjoying being here at Penn and recently became a member of the Student Advisory Board at the Women's Center. I am not sure what this means or entails, but I am looking forward to our first meeting. This is the first year of the Board's existence as well so we can grow together. Issues surrounding gender are interesting to me, to say the least, and if I research what I think it will, they are central to my inquiries. I think it is interesting how I fell the need to tell people, especially the men in my life, that I do not hate men or see them as oppressors in the same breath as that I am thinking about studying gender issues and inequalities through the lens of poverty. I think it is safe to say, if you know me, that it is obvious that I do not hate men. Indeed, there are so many of you in my life that you cannot dismiss our friendship as the "token" male one. Still, why do I feel automatically defensive on this issue of femininity and feminism in general? Is it my own insecurity and assumptions? Why do I feel that your image of a feminist is one that initially negative?

I love all these questions in my head and, for quite possibly the first time in my life, am perfectly ok with not having the answers. On to a much shallower subject, I want to go to a nice dinner, where the food is exquisite, the atmosphere warm and the company engaging. "meet me at the wrecking ball...I'll wear something pretty and we'll go dancing..."

Knowledge or Values

Knowledge: an understanding of what is
Values: a preference of what ought to be

These two words need to be closely reviewed by almost everybody I know, including myself. I have to remind myself often that my understanding of what is, in reality, is really how I think it ought to be. These 2 words are used interchangeably in our current political climate and I believe this is dangerous. We all have our own version of the way things out to be (thank you Rush Limbaugh for making that a title of one your books) - indeed the way we would like things to be often fuels us to achieve and struggle for what ever it is we are working towards. That is not inherently wrong or bad. But let us not confuse our values with knowledge.

Righteous Indignation

While doing my reading for class today, the author pointed out that, in America, women are completely over represented when it comes to poverty. We are not talking a simple majority of 50 plus 1. NO, no we are talking a significant majority. I dare not speculate to the number, but I am angry. Population wise, women constitute half so the face of poverty should not be a woman. It should be like flipping a coin - half the time you get the face of a man. But that is not the world we live in. This makes poverty not just an issue of income, but an issue of gender as well. What makes me angrier is that I cannot answer the "why". Why do we tolerate this? Why had I not realized this earlier?? I want to find out. I want to find out why, we as a society choose to ignore this fact. I want to know what I can do to change it. I have found my passion. Now, I must focus my passion and anger into something productive. I believe a quotation from Rage Against the Machine is appropriate: "Your anger is a gift."

Sick and Wrong

It is Friday night in the city of brotherly love (forget sisterly love!) and I am trying to figure out where to go to study. My room is too isolated - it is Friday night after all and some sort of distraction is warranted. So, I will go park myself at a coffee shop and go from there, assuming the coffee shop is open. I'll check in from there...

So I didn't end up going to a coffee shop last night. Instead, I stayed in and worked on statistics, taking time out to shave 2 of my friends heads. It was fun - I have never done that before and it is not as simple as it seems. Thankfully it was with clippers - no bics here! Less room for error that includes bloodshed.
So you are probably wondering why this post is titled "sick and wrong." Well, this is the second weekend night in a row spent with my studies. I honestly don't think it is sick and wrong to study on the weekend evenings; I must buckle down and do what I came here to do - work hard, but still, it seems somewhat depressing that I am not out at a movie or relaxing somewhere! And I just found out I got a job at the Graduate Student Center (GSC) which requires 8-12 hours a week. Add that to being in five classes and I am going to be rather strung out come December. Hence the picture at the top of the blog post. I look at some of the weeks and the massive amounts of work due all at the same time and, well, just try to cope. One thing that keeps me going is knowing that it has been done before and there are my fellow classmates in the same boat. Back to reading. In case you are wondering what I am reading, the present book is entitled, "Dimensions of Social Welfare Policy." My professor was the head of Child Welfare Services in the Department of Health and Human Services during the Clinton administration. She is amazing. Completely amazing.

The Dude Abides

So I just watched "The Big Lebowski" with one of my friends and I cannot tell you how entertaining that movie is. The more you watch it, the more entertaining it becomes. Sometimes I wish I had the ability to refer to myself in the 3rd person and not sound like a dweeb. I suppose my first step would be to decide which noun to become. "The Elmo" is not as catching, but maybe it will grow on me.

Today I had my 2nd classes in Quantitative Analysis aka statistics and Social Welfare and Economics. Secretly, I could be an economist because I like the idea of ceteris paribus (other things equal). Sometimes I really wish we could apply ceteris paribus to my entire life and just focus on ONE thought or issue. That would require discipline and time I simply do not have. It is simple. Overly simple. I think I need to remember that phrase when things get confusing so, if nothing else, I remember to keep it simple. Next step: just do a quick cost/benefit analysis. What does this relationship cost me? How does it benefit me? Can I truly afford that coffee meeting (and I am not talking just cash)? This is how I justify living in a rotting room in graduate student housing which is ridiculously overpriced: not commuting and being able to participate in campus events outweighs my need for a clean, non-greasy carpet. My room is rotting people. Rotting. I have witnesses. Soon I will have photos. But I love convenience. And my health and lungs seem to be fine so I'll survive.

The Elmo Abides.

Back On the Blog!

Hello my friends and family! I decided to start blogging again for many reasons. One is the $13,000 bill I received today from the University of Pennsylvania, due October 1, 2007. Normally, had I received such a bill, I think I would faint due to my inability to breathe followed by many many tears. But not tonight. No, not tonight. I will get to pay my $13,000 for this semester over then next 10 - 15 years of my life, courtesy of federally backed, non-dischargable student loans! Hooray! I know some of you are burdened by crushing student loan debt and rue the day you decided to further your education. I, right now, am not so jaded. You see, I love being here in Philly and so does my brain. I never thought I would say that I am excited to do standard deviations and to discover that I am totally and unequivocally excited to do research?! Research. Who knows, there might be a PhD in my future. Don't practice Dr. Elmo just yet. Stick with Master :-D I might be on the front lines at the World Bank or I might be in a room doing research and presenting it to folks who might be able to do something about it.
All I have to say is that my future is so bright, I must wear shades and, more importantly, I would not be here were it not for your love and support (wipe the tear away now). Seriously. I will end this post with a promise: that I will attempt to update it regularly and that I will continue personal emails. Not to worry. Just write me back. You know who you are. Insert explicative here.

Exhaustion

Welcome to me extrapulating on my exhaustion. I have been working overtime with meetings in the evenings. My house is still a disaster and I have an unbelievable amount of laundry to do. At least I can leave at a decent time tonight.

Besides all of that, I am doing very well. I am thinking that if I do go to Graduate School, exhaustion will be my state of life. I am really excited about applying to school.

In other news, I have quit consuming alcoholic beverages! What?! How can that be? I realized after partying this weekend that the aftermath is in no way worth the night of fun. The guilts consume me and it is simply not worth it. My sister quit with me so we'll see how long each of us lasts!

Mi piaci troppo

"I like you so much". Wow, words of adoration from my buff gondalier for November. What am I going to do when I no longer have this calendar? What if they don't make one for 2007? How will I come up with blog posting headings? So many questions. I feel quite exhausted right now. We have some serious deadlines at work and guess who is responsible for all of them?? ME!!!! I have been here since 5:30AM and I am halfway done...maybe a power nap is in order. My boss has offered to take me to coffee but I am half tempted to push on through and leave early. The biggest problem is I am at least a week behind on things. AT LEAST!! I have a meeting tonight, have to vote tomorrow, have 2 appts later in the week, need to clean my apartment which is a virtual pig sty and do laundry. Oh, and apply to law school. Doh! When will I stop running? It's ok, at least I won't get bored and the overtime pay is fabulous.

Winter Storm Warning

I'm sitting here on hold with the Court so I thought I would update my blog. The weather is blowing wet, heavy snow. It isn't horribly cold, but it sure would have been nice to stay home today. What's interesting about this snow is that it reminds me of a spring storm. Ususally when it snows in October, it is dry and not so heavy. There are downed tree branches because the leaves hadn't fallen off and people in BMWs are driving like assholes since they can.

Ok, enough about the weather, time for a serious update. I have applied to a few more jobs with 7 more on the way. I am getting a bit burned out with it, but at the same time realize that this is all part of the process. I absolutely love my job now and I think that is because I am actively seeking career change. I am able to appreciate what I have.

Today, I am going to get my hair cut and colored as well as (yikes!) a bikini wax. I will be seeing God so I'll put in my best for all of you! I don't know what has possessed me, but I see it as a right of passage.