What's a girl to do?

Things are difficult; I need to figure out what my career path is going to be. In retrospect, I have had 5 different career paths in 3 years. I have worked for the public sector, the non-profit sector, a large corporate office, the service industry and am presently working in the legal sector. Do I want to stay in the legal sector? In what capacity? Is it too much to ask that my job be interesting, challenging and fulfilling, oh and that I earn enough to live comfortably? Are benefits too much to ask for? Which way do I turn and what path should I try next? My father once told me that stability comes from within; do I really want stability or have I unconsciously chosen this path for myself? I have learned that I have a hard time committing - what if it is the wrong place for me? I always need an out and having positions where I am not passionate and feeling like I am changing the world gives me that out - I need to feel that I can leave at any time. I think I want a position that is challenging, but do I really? I am scared. Of what? The golden handcuffs - a job where it gives me just enough pay and benefits that I stay. I am scared to stay because I am scared to stop moving, of being sedimentary. I am scared of security because it has a boring conotation in my mind. I am scared of becoming boring and flat. That is why I must find a calling that makes me feel alive and active and intelligent and challenged. I need a vocation, and more immediately, a good cup of coffee.

Mooca hawka hiki, come on you wanna lei me...

So Nonasan and Elmosan are storming Hawaii at the end of this year. I can think of no other way I would rather spend the New Year than with my best friend on the beach in Maui. I bet the stars are more brilliant in Hawaii. We are going to stay in hostels on Maui and Oahu. I can hardly wait - I am almost envious of myself. It's time to cut back on the mac and cheese and limit my alcohol consumption to clear spirits with a twist of lime . Maybe even start exercising a bit more...ha!!!

Something strange is afoot

So I am walking into my apartment building and I see this red caddy illegally parked, obviously waiting for someone. As I approach, the young man standing next to the vehicle opens the door for 2 guys who are most definitely his peers (at least age wise), then closes it after them. They do not appear to be the type to have a car let alone a driver. Strange. And what is even more strange is I think I saw this very same vehicle a couple weeks ago picking up a young women who was um, dressed a bit, uh, risque. Not the same driver, I might add.

Melancholy

Today is grey with drizzle gently falling - perfect. I feel the melancholy that is usually the silent undertone to my life seep into me. The image that comes to mind is a simple needle with dark thread silently weaving through the otherwise bright and hopeful tapestry. It is not sad nor is it depressing. There are no feelings of despair or pressure. Rather, there is the quiet contemplation and introspection.

I am reminded of my days at Sewanee when the fog would roll in. It represented reality to me - never knowing who or what would come into view. At times, the isolation was overwhelming and I was reminded that even when walking through the opaque mist with some one, you were no more protected from what always seemed to be encroaching than if you were alone. Your companion could not bring clarity. The eerie stillness is beautiful, silent and haunting.

Ok, so now I will actually write something

Tuesday, the lamest day of the week and it is over. Things are looking up at work, but I can't help but wonder what will happen in a couple weeks when everything is all caught up; we have to figure out what our new 'normal' is; it is not just figuring out the new bankruptcy code. Rather, we as an organization are at a shifting point and I don't know what part, if any, I will play. The realization that I am simply not capable of doing this for the rest of my life has simultaneously discouraged and pushed me forward; the world is my oyster yet I can't even figure out how to spend the next 20 minutes. I don't want to lose opportunity to become whatever I want to be. It is now time to make some grilled cheese and drink an adult beverage.

Here goes...

So this is my first ever blog entry...