Don't Stop Believin' and Fashion Pet-Peeve

Well, I am back in the City of Brotherly Love for 3 days before departing to Mississippi for 10. My goodness time flies. I left Colorado today and I talked to my sister for a bit this evening. She said she cried after I left. It is hard to describe what I feel right now. I realize how much I love my family and how important they are to me. I also feel like I am at home here in Philly, lying on my bed, typing my blog. Tomorrow, I move to further West Philadelphia, away from Campus and a totally new lifestyle for me. I am sad to leave the dorms, but glad to transition into a non-student lifestyle, whatever that means. All I know is I will have a great roommate, 2 kitties and a kitchen. Whoop whoop!! Oh, and crime, but hopefully not perpetrated on yours truly. There is crime where I am now as well.

This new year brings me hope. Last year was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G, like a friggin' roller coaster. This year will be full of change and promise. I will have an internship, followed by a Master's Degree (MS after my name starting in August) followed by, *gasp* a job! Woo hoo!! By the way, no news from the UNIFEM regarding my internship. Maybe they are arguing over finding me funding-ha ha HA!

You'll be glad to know I have found my newest fashion pet-peeve: women who wear designer either velure or sweatsuits to travel on planes. My inner fashionista scoffs at those who wear these clothes outside of going to or from the gym. That, my friends, is the ONLY acceptable time to wear such suits. I like being comfortable too, however, just because your velure says "GUESS?" in rhinestones does not make it any more acceptable to be a slob. Wearing your sunglasses inside does not mean people think you are cool. Most likely, especially when paired with the aforementioned suit, we will just think you are a hung-over hussy of sorts who obviously thinks the world owes her. Yes, I am being a bit judgemental, but please, show some respect for the rest of us by not dressing like a lazy, entitled slob. This is not classy, ladies. Try trashy.

Back to myself

Hi! I feel more like myself, finally recovered from the end of the semester and Christmas. I don't have much time, but wanted to give an update. Sunday, I return to Philly to move to a new zip code. Very exciting. I have been checking out furniture on line and want to go to a local 2nd hand store to see what they have to offer. I need call my friend to see if he can loan me his air mattress in the mean time. I litterally have no furniture. On the 3rd, I am off to Mississippi for 10 days, only to return and start the spring semester. I am excited and nervous about moving - it will be a lifestyle change for me. Instead of being a 5 minute walk from class, I will be about a 15-20 minute walk, taking the shuttle home in the evenings. I cannot be out alone after dark, which doesn't sound like much until you realize that 2 of my friends live a couple blocks from me and, well, what if we want to study together?? I know it will all work the way it needs to.

I caught up with my boss today and I am glad I got to see him. The firm is keepin' on keepin' on, which is good. He said it is a totally different place without me around.

Well, I am off like a herd of turtles, but until next time, Happy New Year just in case I don't get to write before then!

Loved

Enough of the gloom and doom of the last entry. I finally feel like myself--no longer a shell but an actual person! I saw my dear friend, Manuel (Calabastard) on Monday night and went to his going away potluck last night. Being around him reminds me of how loved I am. He loves me the way I am and we are such close friends--it is so comfortable. The kind where I will send my kids to spend the summer with Uncle Manuel in Valencia, Spain. That kind of friend. I will miss him so much, but I know we will remain close and, hey, France is not that far from Macedonia, compared to Philly.

Today, I am off to see my Grandpa who is in hospice and my Gramma who is worn out from commuting between the care center and home. I spent two days with my other Gramma who is pretty much herself, despite the stroke, only a bit more snippy. It is so wonderful to spend time with these relatives. The only person I really miss spending time with is my Momma, but she is off work next week so there will be lots of quality time.

Ok, off to Grampa's!!

What do you do?

Hello friends. I am writing from my Gramma's house in Colorado. It is great to be back, although I still feel as though I am recovering. I have been thinking about a situation I was in prior to leaving Philly for the past few days and am not sure where to go from here. What do you do when you feel you have been treated unfairly? I am not talking about being treated unfairly by a stranger or as a customer but on a much more personal level. I feel as though I was not given a chance and, dare I say it, a bit deceived, whether intentionally or not. Do I confront the person? Do I let it burn and deal with it myself? How do I fight for myself without exposing myself in the process? I was hoping that by being in my parents' and gramma's homes, I would feel better and be able to "move on", especially after some much needed rest, but I am finding myself deeply saddened today. I know it is not the person, but rather the idea that was lost and I know, in the end, I will be better off and ultimately, it is not my loss, but right now, that is of little comfort. How to I let people know that they might feel they know me after meeting me only a couple times because I am open and honest, but that, like everyone else, there is more than meets the eye? On one hand, what you see is what you get with me - I am a very genuine person. On the other hand, well, you get the picture...

One Paper to go and Moving!

Ok so that is not the most flattering picture of all time, but I'll survive. I am in the throws of writing a statistics paper and preparing the presentation for class tomorrow. My birthday gift to myself is getting my work done tonight so I can enjoy the morning tomorrow!
I am also going to have to spend the evening after my four hour class packing. As it turns out, I get to move and so, as if I do not have enough to do, I must be all packed by the time I leave for Colorado on Saturday. Joy. Bring on the Dancing Horses!

Application to intern with UNIFEM. Check.

I turned in my UNIFEM application yesterday so now begins the waiting. It was not as traumatic as I expected. I remember applying to Penn at the beginning of the summer and my stomach was so upset the day I mailed everything off. I continued to be a bundle of nerves until they told me a month later of my acceptance. Then came the whirlwind of figuring everything out to move 2000+ miles...this is much less emotional and I will just wait. I have to get an internship no matter what so if I don't end up in the Balkans and stay in DC or NYC, that would be ok with me. I just can't believe I am already lining up things for the summer and I should be applying for jobs. My insecurity from the prior blog is eased a bit and it could all be due to exhaustion.

I am going to Mississippi on January 1st. This is very exciting, but the idea of being back to work in 3 weeks or so is a bit overwhelming. I leave for Colorado on Saturday and imagine I will sleep for many days. I talked with my Gramma last night and we are planning to put many puzzles together over the break. She was so sad I was only going to be around for a couple weeks so I suggested she simply move to live near me, once I am settled. Which could be never.

This brings me to the subject of my birthday, which is fast approaching. I will be 29 in 3 days and am thinking a lot about my future. Part of this thing with UNIFEM is considering that I am not getting any younger and if I ever want to have a family, maybe trotting around the globe is not the way to go about it. The overriding feeling, however, is that if this opportunity arises, I must take it. I really have no control over my life (none of us do) so staying Stateside does not ensure anything more than traveling abroad does. All I can do is make the best decision I can with the information I have. And, remember that when people are my Gramma's age, 80, they don't regret what they did; they regret what they didn't do.

The Ball of Insecurity

I am totally insecure right now. I think it is because I am about to send off my application to UNIFEM's internship program. I am not insecure about not getting it; I am insecure because I think I stand a very good chance of getting the position. They would want me for 6-9 months and I would work somewhere in the Balkans doing women's empowerment. It would be unbelievable. What's making me so insecure? Well, the logistics of the whole thing. I would not be paid a dime while doing this internship. So I will either need to find funding or borrow, once again, against my future. I would be responsible for getting my visa to work in said country (I think it is Macedonia, but I am not sure). And I do not speak one word of any of the languages in the region. Basically, getting the internship appears to be, at this point, the easiest part of the process. I have to remind myself 2 things. First: I don't actually have the internship. Second: I vowed I would not make decisions based on fear and this will be no exception. Onward.

The Weight

Some of you may know the song "The Weight" by Aretha Franklin. The band, Nazareth, covered it and it is on the Easy Rider soundtrack. Maybe they sang it first. Any how, I feel like my final papers, projects and presentations are physically weighing me down. I am not eating nor sleeping much. And this is not by choice. I simply can't.

We turn in our Economics paper on NAFTA tomorrow and I cannot wait for that to be done. I spent more hours on my 2.5 page contribution than I ever thought I could because you would think there would be loads of research on NAFTA, illegal immigration and agriculture in the U.S. Well, think again! I can find all those subjects separately, but together, HA HA HA HA! I read my 2.5 pages to Nona and she said it was dense, jam packed full of info. This is why I love econ. No fluff, just facts. Maybe it is because I am shallow :D I don't have do these weird interpretations, just say a+b=c and boom, that is it. I don't have to discuss suffering, pain, exploitation...just say that migration is caused by wage fluctuations in either Mexico or the U.S. Once the wage gap is narrowed, it migration will slow. Done. How do you narrow the wage gap? I don't know, but I don't have to! It is beautiful. I even threw in the U.S. GDP in 1999. 9.1 trillion, fyi.

Now, for a change of pace, I am going to read for my Poverty, Welfare and Work class. I am under my covers, snuggly watching the snow fall and contemplating corporate responsibility. Oh joy.

Faint

I finally realized how busy I am today. I did not eat anything until 12:15 today and I woke up at 7 AM. I am so faint, waiting for my food to register in my stomach. Now, I never thought I would be one of those people who got so into their work, they forgot to eat. I have known several of them and never understood them. Until today. I am now at work, trying not to be crabby and pass out while I wait for my chicken noodle soup to digest. What am I becoming???

The Ethical Dilemma

I received an email from one of next semester's professors with our book list and an assignment to read prior to our first class in January. Besides wanting to immediately breakdown into tears because I do not know how I am going to get through THIS semester I am thinking that I have a real opportunity to buy my textbooks cheaply on-line. And here enters the ethical dilemma. I thought I would try to buy my textbooks through UPromise, because, come on, every $1.27 helps in paying down my student loans. Well, guess who has 2 of my books for less than $26, including shipping. Wal-Mart. That's right, WallyWorld. Now, I have vowed to avoid Wal-Mart if at all possible because not only do they not pay living wages nor have decent fringe benefits, they have a history of gendered wage discrimination, which just offends me. But my books are $26, shipped to my door. How could I possibly go into women's empowerment issues, yet shop at a store that, which, among its other negative qualities, is doing exactly what I am fighting against? I can't. As much as I want to save the money, my conscience won't let me. Not off the backs of America's working poor. The thing that is sad is I considered doing it. And I had to blog about it to re-enforce my values. Oh well, Wal-Mart will be $26 poorer this year. Take that!

Semi-boring update

I do not have strep, thank God. The doctor gave me a prescription that is a combination of sudafed and mucinex and I feel a lot better. For those of you keeping track, this is my 4th prescription in 3 weeks. So lame.

I can't remember if I told you they cut the mold out of my room, but they did, finally. Now, there is this drywall being plastered in, not painted, air duct grill removed is still sitting on a shelf with all my pictures, uncleaned. I understand not putting the grill back on until the painting is done, but, get this: they closed my ticket, saying the work is complete. Um, no. It isn't. Meanwhile, I have to forward my doctor's note, my correspondence with Facilities (the people supposedly doing the work in my room) and any pictures I have to some lady in the administration of housing so I can get out of my contract and move off campus. So, that is my project, on top of the 6 papers and 3 presentations all due within the next 2.5 weeks.

No rest for the weary. I will be graceful under pressure, like the pic I posted with this blog. That is the goal. And eating right.

Leather Pants and Strep?

Not even 5 hours after posting about Mr. Canada and there is a lady at work wearing leather pants. She is not a lady I work with, she is just hanging out at the Grad Student Center. Today is rainy, not too cold, but definitely damp. Now, I would think that if I were to own leather pants, I would not want to wear them in the rain. Firstly, they are friggin' expensive and why subject my leather pants to water damage? Did she spray them with weather-proofing spray? That stuff is toxic. Toxicity aside, grad students are not known to be wealthy so subjecting leather pants to the elements seems a bit extravegent. Maybe she had a date or a hot tutoring session. Maybe I don't understand why one would wear leather pants.

So my throat is sore. I am sure you are tired of reading about my maladies. Indeed, my throat was bothering me in Buffalo. I haven't had strep in so long, I wouldn't know what to do but I guess I get to make another trip to Student Health tomorrow. Ugh. I am sick of being sick. Seriously, I am no hypochondriac. Ask my mother. If I have to go on antibiotics again, I will consider crying.

Good news. By the end of this week, 3 of my 8 papers/projects will be done. I have 2 next week and 3 the following week. Wish me and my immune system luck.

O Canada

As promised in a prior blog entry, I will now write about another of fashion's recent victims. I use the term "fashion" liberally here. Driving back from Buffalo yesterday, I saw a man in a rest stop wearing a sweatsuit outfit. The shirt was gray with CANADA written in red across the center. I think there was a Canadian flag involved. Pants: red stripe down the side, gray with a small Canadian flag and the word CANADA written in, you guessed it, red letters below the flag on the right hip, in the front. Enter the white Nikes with a red swoosh and we have a complete Canada outfit. There was a short discussion over whether this man was a proud Canadian or simply returning from his most likely first visit to our neighbors to the north. We decided he was not Canadian. I like Canada and Canadians - shoot, my maternal grandmother IS Canadian, but I must actively veto this ensemble. It is not acceptable for any country on this planet unless you are a professional soccer player, showing up for practice at the World Cup. Only then, with all of your other teammates is this an appropriate place for an entire sweat suit outfit with your country of choices colors, flag and matching shoes.

Back in Philly!

I am sitting in my room, which appears to have a section of the moldy wall removed. I still want to move but at least my stamping feet, tears and constant advocacy got some forward movement. I don't trust that the mold is completely gone nor do I trust that my carpet's been steamed to remove any mold that might still be lingering. However, the progress is heartening.

I have 8 papers or projects due in the next three weeks. It looks like I will be more busy than I ever thought I could ever be! Thankfully, I had the most wonderfully rejuvenating and relaxing weekend in Buffalo. I cannot express how gracious and endearing Nona's parents are to me. Their generosity and warmth are what I hope to pass on to others in my life.

Nona, Seth and I had a fabulous time and the highlight was dinner at the Bonefish Grill with our friend, Charles, from Penn and my friend from undergrad and his sister. Dinner was delicious - yay fish! and the company was fab. I felt like a real person as opposed to a strung out grad student. Oh, and my red coat - to die for.

Duty calls. I will do my best to keep this thing updated in the next three weeks. Until next time, take care.

I am Fabulous, Fed and Rested

Wow, what a great weekend we are having. I cannot express my gratitude to Nona's parents for having us, cooking for us, letting us stay in their home...Nona and I are improving our Spades skills - watch out!! We are soooo good. At least in our humble opinion. Even though we didn't win any of the overall games, we have improved immensely.
Today, we go to Niagara Falls, out to dinner with friends and work on my paper. Yesterday, we braved the Black Friday crowds and made some beautiful purchases, knit, enjoyed whiskey eggnog - delicious - and Nona's Mom's amazing cooking.
My health is improving a bit, although my throat is still sore and I cough off and on. Just being in a real home surrounded by parental love and affection is a remedy all in itself.
5 Things I am Thankful for...
1. My Family, Friends, and their various pets
2. My rosy disposition and sense of humor
3. Coffee and comfort food
4. My laptop
5. The fact that this list could go on and on and on and on...
Your turn!

More thoughts about shallowness, the great ear update and Self-Advocacy

Wow, I am loving this discussion about shallowness, blogs and how we all interpret things. One thing I take from this is that we (the royal we) are too self-critical. So what if I am not constantly writing academic or awe-inspiring pieces...the real issue is: what is the point of my blog? I agree with Brooke - it depends on the day.

So, this is what is up for today. I now have to put antibiotic ear drops in my ear where the ear drum burst. The good news is that there is not longer a hole in my eardrum. The frustrating news is that there is still liquid in my ear. So, the doctor prescribed me these ear drops and flonase nasal spray because my sinuses are bothering me. He asked if I had allergies and I told that I didn't and I believe this is due to the MOLD that is STILL in my room!!!! He seemed alarmed but didn't make a direct comment to my self-diagnosis which makes me think that if this were caused by mold, Student Health would never say that it could be causing the problem because I live in student housing, and therefore, might have a case against the school for an environmentally hazardous living situation. I have now emailed the head of Facilities, the head of my building and cc'd my Dad. I have to self-advocate and it is so difficult! Practicing what you preach is hard work. I find that I have fight the impulse to explain why I am frustrated - um, it is friggin obvious, yet a habit. I also feel - get this - guilty for being a thorn in their side. Why on EARTH do I feel this way? Is it because I have been on the receiving end of angry client calls while working at the law firm? I don't know, but I can tell you, my frustration with being on 3 prescriptions, having been to the doctor twice in 2 weeks not feeling well and just being down right angry overrides any guilt. If there is no forward movement, i.e., the friggin' mold is not out of my room by the time I return from Buffalo, I will look into legal action.

Ok, One additional guilty pleasure and shallow?

Ok, folks, I forgot one guilty pleasure that is key to my existence. I LOVE getting my hair cut, colored and styled about every 8 weeks. You read correctly. 8 weeks. I justify this expense (believe me, it is an expense) by saying that I must present myself well if I will ever get ahead, and gosh darn it, having good hair makes me feel fabulous.

Upon reading one of my friends' blog, I realized how shallow my blog is. All it is about is me and I am not even reflecting on "me" or my experiences! I ask myself why this is and I don't really know. Does this tie into Guilty pleasure #6 (see below)? I am somehow light hearted and super intense (go figure that one out)...maybe it is because I am not much of an intellectual. Sure, I can go on and on about the different schools of thought around what causes poverty in America, but ask me something "deep", and well, I just don't go there. You ask me what is the meaning of life and my simple answer is "this" or "living the dream". Maybe it is because I can't articulate my thoughts...I dunno. I can't really ponder much of anything because, upon simple reflection, I am a "fixer". If you lament over something, my first impulse is to try to help you figure out how to "fix" it. You say you just don't feel like there are enough hours in the day and my first response, after, "tell me about it" is "is there anything you can do to make your transition between tasks more efficient?" Ask Nona, my Mother, my Sister, Manuel...this is what I do. I have been told I am a good listener. I think I am an active listener. Hmmm. Maybe my blog isn't so shallow any more. At least this time...

My 6 Guilty Pleasures...

My friend, Brooke, asked me to participate on blogging my 6 guilty pleasures. I think this is a particularly difficult assignment for me because I really try to avoid feeling guilty about much of anything or doing things I feel guilty about. Anyways, here goes...

1. Listening to music or NPR, constantly. No matter what I am doing, I am listening to SOMETHING. Whether it be researching, blogging, writing or playing a game, there is always something in the background. NPR is a particular guilty pleasure while getting ready for my day in the morning and I am not a member. I am a "free-rider" in the true economic sense of the word.

2. Eating all of my meals out. I blame the fact that I eat all of my meals out because I do not have a kitchen and my mini fridge and microwave don't really cut it. I should get a crock pot. I should use my mini toaster/oven...

3. Drinking expensive martinis. While I rarely drink martinis (or in general), when I do get a martini, it is usually Kettle One, Grey Goose or Bombay Sapphire. I will not have a cheap vodka or gin in this drink and I like it a touch on the dirty side - always with olives.

4. Going to my knitting circle. I go to my knitting circle every Monday night, regardless of deadlines and how close I am to meeting those deadlines. I justify this by saying that since I started the knitting circle, I HAVE to go, but that is simply not true. There are plenty of folks who go and I certainly don't have to be there.

5. Watching the same three movies. All the time. Upon going to graduate school, I have had a particularly difficult time falling asleep at night. I cannot shut my mind down so how better to silence the thoughts than watching "The Big Lebowski", "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" (the new one), or "Finding Nemo" for the 100th time? Since my comfort food is coffee with cream and Splenda, this is a good substitute when sleep is warranted. Maybe I'll shake things up and watch "Pirates II Dead Man's Chest" tonight.

6. Loving everything and everyone (for the most part). This sounds cheesy, but I seriously do love almost everyone in my life and everything I do, too much. Just ask my friends. I always "love this movie" or that is my "favorite song, book, food, person", etc. If you don't know me, this doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but if you do know me, you almost everything makes me laugh and I enjoy wholeheartedly everything I do. I love story telling and involving people in my life. This is why all of you will come visit me, so you can truly experience my moldy room, fabulous classes and the joy that is my life at Penn. And the freezing cold wind. Oh, and Philadelphia. Did I mention I haven't left Philly city limits in almost 3 months?

Your turn.

Resume updated. Check.

So, instead of going on an incredibly hot date, I stayed home tonight and updated my resume. I really want to get that internship with UNIFEM. I sent my resume to my advisor, my Dad and my friend to look it over before I send it off and friggin pray. I am not worried about my future, for the first time in my life. I cannot explain the calm I feel right now, despite my hellish end to the semester that will be upon me soon. If any of you want to look my resume over and offer me suggestions, just let me know. I would appreciate constructive criticism. But it has to be quick. Like by the 18th at the latest. Good night for now, dear friends.

Too Cute

Is that not the cutest pic? I found it on lol cats. If you are ever bored, this is a great website. That or www.engrish.com

Application to volunteer in Mississippi. Check.

Howdy Howdy Howdy. I turned in my application to volunteer for a week and a half in Hancock County, MS to go help Hurricane Katrina victims. I want to start a knitting group for the women down there - exciting! Hopefully, I will be accepted. If I get to go, it will be in early January. I have never been to Mississippi.

Other news...let's see, well, I am working on another paper and my statistics homework. If I can get my paper done this weekend, I will only have 2 to do the week following Turkey day. Yup. I have 3 papers, one statistics homework and a reading log due that week. Yikes. So I hopefully can get 2 papers, the statistics homework, the reading log and the research for one paper done prior to going on my trip. Then, Monday, I will do the third paper. And, if all goes according to plan, I can do my statistics paper and economics project beginning that week. I have a feeling the Stress Monkey will rear it's head in the weeks coming up to winter break.

I can breathe and hear (mostly!)

Whew! I turned in my paper. My presentation is prepared and will be delivered next week. Now, I work ahead so I can actually enjoy Thanksgiving. What a friggin concept. I need to get my resume in order, fill out some application to go to Mississippi for a week to do mental health work in a Katrina ravaged town, and begin the whole research thing, again, this time for my intro to social work research. bah. I do love it, seriously, but I am thoroughly enjoying my evening off. If I can get this paper done by Friday, it will be AWESOME!!!! Then, I will do my statistics homework and finish my paper for Poverty, Welfare and Work. Over Turkey Day weekend, I will do my Social Policy Analysis paper...then, I will turn them all in. Can you believe it? 3 of the 6 final papers in the next 2 weeks. I am so glad my program is only a year :D

Research, writing and hearing

So I am spending this dreary November afternoon in an office right in the heart of campus researching my second 8-10 page paper on the feminization of poverty in America. This time, I am doing a literature review that provides a theoretical framework, empirical data for understanding the problem/issue and causal factors coupled with the effectiveness of policies or interventions. Did I mention I also have to examine the advocacy literature (Heritage Foundation and National Organization of Women, here I come!) to identify the key stakeholders and then, from all of this analysis, identify possible policy choices. Simple. No problem. 8-10 pages. My last paper, which was awesome, only earned a B+. I feel under-appreciated. But I still have the opportunity to prove myself and, I have straight A's in my four other classes.

I am a bit distressed about my ear with the burst eardrum. My hearing is definitely not as good as the other ear. Should I be going to an ear, nose and throat specialist? I know that it is probably normal that things are unequal, but I don't want my left ear to be permanently poor in the hearing department. I will call the doctors on Monday and see what they think. There is still so much fluid in my ears, both of them, that I feel like I have earplugs in. The left is still worse.

Ok, back to research. Lonely research. See the lonely penguin above?

Burst!

Greetings! My, so much has happened this week...let's start with my eardrum bursting. You read correctly and all I can say is "Ouch"! I have a severe ear infection and I cannot describe the pain until the eardrum burst. It still hurts, but nothing like before. I have fluid in my ears, still, and am scared that my hearing will be affected. It should heal in 3-6 weeks...

That is my excitement for right now. I am not going to see my aunt and uncle in Upstate NY this weekend - maybe next weekend. I have a huge paper to write and am nervous because I really don't feel too hot...I am sure it will be just fine.

Ta Ta For Now

Nervous Excitement

I just sent an email to the program director of UNIFEM, the women's fund at the United Nations, to discuss international social work and internship possibilities. Some of you may remember my excitement at the beginning of the summer when I decided to apply to Penn and my feelings about this are similar. My stomach is tight with anticipation and I can tell my nervousness level is heightened. This is huge people. HUGE. The kind of projects they work on are EXACTLY what interests me - market power to women-in a region of the world which I would love to go - Eastern and Central Europe, including Turkey. My dreams of seeing Hagia Sofia may be realized this summer. But I don't want to get ahead of myself. Just keep your fingers crossed or thumbs pressed or whatever it is you do to wish people luck. I am bubbling over at thought of simply talking to this woman about what she does and how I can do something similar. I would be working for women's empowerment and gender equality. Can't you just see it???? Here is UNIFEM's website: www.unifem.org

The Stress Monkey Lives

Today is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. My mood is ferocious so beware!!!! I think I am burned out, just a bit. However, I will push on. I have an unbelievable amount of work to do by tomorrow at 1 PM. I like what I have to do with the exception of the oral presentation. Normally, I love doing oral presentations, however, this one's subject matter, which I will not go into, is not something that interests me. I now remember what it is like to have to work on something that does not interest you and it is painful. Add to that I am one page into my 8-10 page paper and have aproximately 300 pages to read and I do not foresee much sleep in my future, which will make me very very grumpy tomorrow. There was a bright spot to my day, though. My dear friend texted me a "good morning" message earlier and I look at it to remind myself there is life out there.
I regained my focus and must press on. I work at the grad center today so if I see anything amusing, I will be sure to update you. Now I know why grad students are grumpy. I did something I thought I would never do - join their ranks.

ENFJ and the inability to focus

Happy Sunday, people! I took the Myers-Briggs test and I am an ENFJ. Do you know what this means? I am a distinctivhttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.photo.gif
I am a distinctively expressed extravert, moderately expressed intuitive personality, moderately expressed feeling personality, and distinctively expressed judging personality. What does this mean? You would ask! Here is where you can go to see all about me: http://www.personalitypage.com/ENFJ_rel.html If you want to take the test yourself, here is the website: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes1.htm Tell me what you are! I am interested! I think this is dead on for me, by the way.

Instead of taking personality tests and discerning my strengths and weaknesses, I should be working on my presentation (30-35 minutes in length, total), writing my literature review or reading the 600 page book all of which needs to be done by 1 PM on Tuesday. I am writing my literature review on the income discrepancies between single moms and single dads. Gender wage and hiring discrimination is real, people!!! It is hard for me to not get totally livid while doing my research and stay focused and as objective as possible.

Back to preparing the presentation. Wish me luck. Please distract me by commenting on my blog.

My Mind is Swimming

I just finished an econ class and talked to my TA about PhDs and my career. I need to talk with her more about it. She is getting her PhD in Social Welfare after a successful career doing foundation work. I have been throwing the idea around in my mind since I started my program. I need to figure out how isolating my career would be. I love doing research, but I also love being with people. I know I would be a good teacher. I also know I want to go speak in front of House and Senate Committees on the Hill. I don't want to be working at a school in the middle of nowhere because that is where I can get a job. I know I went to a fabulous school in the middle of nowhere. Can I get a job outside of academia if it isn't a fit for me? This is why I want to talk to my TA about her experience in the non-profit and foundation sector. The other issue is I want to study women's empowerment, but what does that mean? Do I become an expert in women and poverty? I want to do econ without the calculus. I have to be careful because no PhD in social welfare will accept me if I do not want to stay in academia. None. At least none at the schools I would be applying to. Do you realize that the PhD in Social Welfare at Penn is tied for 1st place along with UC Berkley? I would need to do some research about where else I would like to apply, should I decide to pursue my PhD. I want to be the first woman in my family to get her doctorate. I guess the question is whether I will get one, it is when and where.

In the mean time, I have to write a literature review for my research class. It is not as fun as it sounds, dweeby english majors (you know I love you). I am studying the income of single mothers and single fathers in America to see if there is a difference and if so, why. Literature reviews are where I look at the literature (journal articles) out there, see what they say, then see where I am going. In a paper. I need a hypothesis people. How do you measure social capital? I am hoping from my literature, I can figure it all out, enough to write a fantabulous paper at least.

The Longest Print Job...Ever

You will not believe how long it is taking to print my reading for this week. It is only 45 pages and took around 10 minutes. Mind you, this is not even in color. I am at work at the Graduate Student Center, listening to the radio and trying to figure out how in the world I will get my papers down to 7 pages. I have already gone half-way on to the 7th page and haven't even started on Reagan's Block Grants, let alone the 1996 landmark legislation. Oh well.

Enough about this paper, let me tell you about the grad center. So I am here today and in a fairly good mood. I love seeing who comes in here and what they are wearing. It is usually an odd combination of students. For example, this guy looks like he spends some time in the gym and what is he wearing???? Red crocs (no!), badly faded camo shorts and a tee shirt. I am speechless.

Adventures in Research!

Howdy folks. I am sure while I am writing this, you are most likely out enjoying a beautiful early autumn evening while I am in a computer lab, with a printer with no toner (but hey, it is free when it works!) looking at the history of welfare legislation in the United States. Remember that paper on microfinance as a part of a solution to poverty in America? Well, after receiving my paper back from my professor and realizing that I am trying to frame the issue around the solution, I am now in the throws of framing the issue of poverty itself and, specifically, the feminization of poverty in the US. So, here is what I have to write an 8 page paper on by Tuesday:

Often policy issues have a long history that includes perspectives and critical choices that, although made in the past, continue to influence current policy development. This paper requires you to understand the historical evolution of the issue and related policies.

When did this issue first emerge as a public concern?

For each major era in which policy choices were made document
oHow was the issue defined?
oWhat social values were threatened by the issue?
oWhat were the definitions of the problem?
oWhat policy strategy was selected?
oWhat assumptions and values were reflected in the choices?
oHow did social, economic and political factors influence the choices?

Contemporary view
oHow is the issue framed today?
oWhat factors in the current environment influence how this issue is viewed?
oWhat are the major controversies today?

How am I going to do this in only EIGHT pages, including sources???? Ok, so you want to hear about the adventure, not my plight regarding the short length of the paper. Being the amazingly nerdy individual I am, I thought I would go straight to the horse's mouth and take a look at H.R. 3734 Personal Responsiblity and Work Opportunity Reconciliation Act of 1996, which was the most recent federal social welfare overhaul. Guess how many pages the Bill is. 251 pages. Take a guess at how long the Budget Report for that act is. Guess. If you guessed 2056 pages, you are correct! This is about a year after the Paperwork Reduction Act, I believe. Anyhow, we have not even TOUCHED JFK/LBJ's Great Society nor the mother of them all, Social Security and all the other FDR stuff. I think I am going to have get real general on this one. The feminization lens may not even be applied to this paper. We'll see how it goes. So, for those of you following my microeconomics paper, this has replaced it. But microeconomics will come in the end, not to worry. Homefry-I appreciate your comment and book suggestions! I will definitely look into that once I am back on the topic.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!

No picture today. Sorry. I can't get the link to work. I have 2 midterms tomorrow and I want to do well. The thing is I am a bit discouraged. I got back my paper yesterday in my favorite class and I did not do as well as I had hoped. I am meeting with the Professor tomorrow. I am not going to get a 3.0 again. No, not this time. Sometimes I wonder how smart I am and if I am oh so brainy, how do I translate that to a paper? That is why I am taking a writing class for 6 weeks! SIX friggin' weeks!!! But I figure it will help me. You can always improve your writing. It gets better and better the more you do it and it is essential for my future.

I am just a ball of frustration, even though I had a massage earlier today. I think it is because I am not feeling super motivated. But I must keep on keepin' on. I don't want to talk to anyone and I am sitting at work, surrounded by 29 people. They are nice, and leave me alone for the most part. Just call me stress monkey and I promise if you do call me, I won't bite your head off and will try to not wail and gnash my teeth too much.

Statistics, Pandora Radio and Karaoke, Baby!

Today I am studying for my statistics midterm. Standard deviations, anyone?? My life got considerably easier for the moment because my professor moved my paper to be due a week from Tuesday as opposed to in 3 days, which means I will most likely pass both my economics and statistics midterms with flying colors. If all goes according to plan, I will have two more "A"s to add to my cache. I seriously cannot believe it is mid-semester already. My work load is, unfortunately, positively skewed. For those non-statisticians out there, that means the majority of my work is at the end of the semester. In fact, I have no idea if I can even take a break at Thanksgiving. Yup, it is that serious. I need to talk with my aunt and uncle about coming to Up State NY to see them at some point, although the way things are looking now, Thanksgiving is not the time for that. Nona has invited me to go to Buffalo with her and what is attractive about that offer is I don't have to figure out transportation. Her parents are both academics so I know I could hide in the study and work on papers throughout my visit. The thing is the week after Turkey Day is truly, truly brutal. 4 major papers and one reading log. So, I guess the real question is if I have the discipline to work ahead the 3 weeks before Thanksgiving. I have to if I am to survive. I am going to plan things out this weekend.

Presently, I am listening to Pandora radio on line and it is quite kewl. I think I will try this out when I get to work on Monday for my stint. We have to have music on while we are at the desk and I figure that I listen to my music collection all the time so the 6 whole hours a week I have the desk job can be devoted to expanding my musical indy rock horizons.

Last night was quite an evening! It was my friend, Yoshi's, birthday. Nona and I made zucchini pie, delicious salad and purchased a pumpkin cheesecake from the Amish. Our friend, Dee, brought over 2 FABULOUS bottles of wine. After an amazing meal and enlightening conversation, we were off to karaoke, Japanese style. Japanese style is where you get a room with all of your friends and sing to each other as opposed to the whole bar. Yoshi sang "Annie's Song" by John Denver. He was going to sing "Sexy Back" by JT, but they did not have the song, much to all of our dismay. My tutoree, Hiro, joined us as did Steve and Junior. Needless to say, it was great and highly entertaining. Hiro and I's birthdays are next so I anticipate more karaoke in the future.

Take care, my friends. I'll write again soon!

Pop Goes the World

Hello. I am sorry it has been a while between posts. No excuses, all apology. Tonight, I went to my first stitch night session. There were 3 people there, including me, and I have hopes for growth. It was at the Women's Center and that is quite a space here on campus. It is perfectly located and the rooms are spacious and warm. Men are allowed there too, not to worry.

So this week is fairly light, but I am re-writing a paper, doing reading, and researching. Guess what I am researching. Keep guessing. If you guessed federal legislation regarding micro-lending as a poverty reduction policy, you guessed correctly. Is there legislation specifically in this area? I have no clue! Sigh. What's a girl to do? There are a couple projects that were federally funded so I'll see if I can figure out the money trail...if, for some reason you have ANY insight, hook a sister up, aka, tell me. Please. I am not pleading, yet.

What is saving me from despair over this research project??? Listening to "Pop goes the world" by the Men Without Hats. You CANNOT be sad and listen to the song. It just makes you feel good. So, that in contrast to my new Bob Dylan, some Who (Baba O'Riley anyone?!), some country and I am one happy chick. I still love it here. Not to worry, I have had a mini-melt down. There are moments when I cannot wear my brave face. In fact, the Brave Faced Ems took Saturday off. It is important that one does not stuff feelings down. It is also important to not melt down in public unless absolutely necessary. Take care, friends. I'll be posting again soon.

Talk Nerdy to Me

My brain hurts. I feel a bit isolated here in my room due to studying microenterprenurial (sp?!) programs in America as part of an economic social policy aimed at lifting people and families out of poverty. While I find the topic interesting, I am very tired of reading and trying to formulate a focus paper on it. This, by the way, would be only part of a greater poverty eradication program in the US. I see it as both beneficial to bringing those enterprising souls out of their current position and a bit of prevention as well - you know, breaking the cycle. It is not, however, a cure-all by any means. Make me stop. It hurts. Everything is fuzzy...

If I had a magic 8 ball and I asked it if I am going to be sleep deprived this week, it would respond "outlook good". I am in for a heck of a week - 3 assignments due, 2 meetings with professors, I start working at the grad center 6 hours a week, my Japanese tutoree returns from Peru and reading. Lots and lots of reading.

The thing is, I do not think I have ever been happier in my life. Even sitting here, feeling the need for some human contact - a hug would be great - I am happy. I worked almost 29 years to get here. Holy cow, I am almost 29 years old! Before you know it, I will be 30, then 40...

Back to the journal articles. Please write me if you get a chance. I am feeling a bit disconnected! Pull my head out of the journals and blurry lines of policy...if only for a moment.

Leave it to me...

As some of you may know, I have an incredible knack of embarrassing myself by saying the wrong thing to the wrong people. Some of you may remember the time I teased Nona's dad about getting pedicures with us, not knowing the man was missing toenails due to a lawnmower accident. Unfortunately for you, my gentle readers, this next skill of mine is not so entertaining. I have a 6 page social policy analysis paper due on Tuesday where I could pick ANY social issue to work on and what do I pick? Microeconomic loans to women. You might say to yourself: that sounds interesting...what's the catch? The catch is the US Government does not presently HAVE a social policy program that is similar to the other programs (although run by NGOs) around the world. So, what does my professor suggest I do? Create the policy!! Of course, not in six pages, but still. Why do I make things harder for myself? I can't track this issue in the news! It has absolutely NOTHING to do with current American Social policies like, oh, Social Security, Health Care, TANF (Temporary Assistance to Needy Families), tax credits....the list goes on and on. So, not only do I have to have a knowledge base on how these programs operate in the developing world, I now, through divine intervention (because that is what it will take), have to figure out if it would even be remotely feasible in the current US system and if it would, in fact, help individuals and families break the cycle of poverty!!!!!! Stay tuned for future laments and progress reports...if, for some reason you are interested in what I am researching, please, let me know. I would be happy to share...

Cuba Libre

Greetings from the City of Brotherly Love! This week is Philadephia Restraunt week so, at participating restaraunts, patrons can get an appetizer, entree and dessert for $30. Nona and I ventured to Old City to a very cool restraunt, Cuba Libre. Our meal started with a delicious crab bisque, followed by seared Mahi Mahi with a pistachio crust and black bean sauce, ending with a delicious vanilla flan with a wee apple breaded something on top. How could I forget the mojito??? Mmmm, cool and refreshing. I don't know how Cuban this meal was (I will guess it is not very 'authentic'), but it was totally delicious and the perfect amount of food. So Nona and I had the experience I was so longing for in the previous post. The inside of the restraunt is awesome, with palm trees, high ceilings windows that open on to the street and waiters in white shirts. Who knows when, on my graduate student budget, I will be able to have an experience like this again, but I look forward to it. Maybe I should hang out around Wharton more - ah ha ha ha ha, just kidding. I doubt it would be worth the trade off, although I will keep an open mind and not pre-judge....
Here's a link to the restaraunt: http://www.cubalibrerestaurant.com/philly_index.php

Meet me at the Wrecking Ball

Firstly, I would like to thank those of you who comment on my blog - I really enjoy reading your thoughts on what I say and just want to thank you. Profusely.

Secondly, I want to apologize for my absence the past few days. I had my first reading log and paper due this week, along with an almost obscene amount of reading. But excuses are lame. Still, please bear with me.

I am still enjoying being here at Penn and recently became a member of the Student Advisory Board at the Women's Center. I am not sure what this means or entails, but I am looking forward to our first meeting. This is the first year of the Board's existence as well so we can grow together. Issues surrounding gender are interesting to me, to say the least, and if I research what I think it will, they are central to my inquiries. I think it is interesting how I fell the need to tell people, especially the men in my life, that I do not hate men or see them as oppressors in the same breath as that I am thinking about studying gender issues and inequalities through the lens of poverty. I think it is safe to say, if you know me, that it is obvious that I do not hate men. Indeed, there are so many of you in my life that you cannot dismiss our friendship as the "token" male one. Still, why do I feel automatically defensive on this issue of femininity and feminism in general? Is it my own insecurity and assumptions? Why do I feel that your image of a feminist is one that initially negative?

I love all these questions in my head and, for quite possibly the first time in my life, am perfectly ok with not having the answers. On to a much shallower subject, I want to go to a nice dinner, where the food is exquisite, the atmosphere warm and the company engaging. "meet me at the wrecking ball...I'll wear something pretty and we'll go dancing..."

Knowledge or Values

Knowledge: an understanding of what is
Values: a preference of what ought to be

These two words need to be closely reviewed by almost everybody I know, including myself. I have to remind myself often that my understanding of what is, in reality, is really how I think it ought to be. These 2 words are used interchangeably in our current political climate and I believe this is dangerous. We all have our own version of the way things out to be (thank you Rush Limbaugh for making that a title of one your books) - indeed the way we would like things to be often fuels us to achieve and struggle for what ever it is we are working towards. That is not inherently wrong or bad. But let us not confuse our values with knowledge.

Righteous Indignation

While doing my reading for class today, the author pointed out that, in America, women are completely over represented when it comes to poverty. We are not talking a simple majority of 50 plus 1. NO, no we are talking a significant majority. I dare not speculate to the number, but I am angry. Population wise, women constitute half so the face of poverty should not be a woman. It should be like flipping a coin - half the time you get the face of a man. But that is not the world we live in. This makes poverty not just an issue of income, but an issue of gender as well. What makes me angrier is that I cannot answer the "why". Why do we tolerate this? Why had I not realized this earlier?? I want to find out. I want to find out why, we as a society choose to ignore this fact. I want to know what I can do to change it. I have found my passion. Now, I must focus my passion and anger into something productive. I believe a quotation from Rage Against the Machine is appropriate: "Your anger is a gift."

Sick and Wrong

It is Friday night in the city of brotherly love (forget sisterly love!) and I am trying to figure out where to go to study. My room is too isolated - it is Friday night after all and some sort of distraction is warranted. So, I will go park myself at a coffee shop and go from there, assuming the coffee shop is open. I'll check in from there...

So I didn't end up going to a coffee shop last night. Instead, I stayed in and worked on statistics, taking time out to shave 2 of my friends heads. It was fun - I have never done that before and it is not as simple as it seems. Thankfully it was with clippers - no bics here! Less room for error that includes bloodshed.
So you are probably wondering why this post is titled "sick and wrong." Well, this is the second weekend night in a row spent with my studies. I honestly don't think it is sick and wrong to study on the weekend evenings; I must buckle down and do what I came here to do - work hard, but still, it seems somewhat depressing that I am not out at a movie or relaxing somewhere! And I just found out I got a job at the Graduate Student Center (GSC) which requires 8-12 hours a week. Add that to being in five classes and I am going to be rather strung out come December. Hence the picture at the top of the blog post. I look at some of the weeks and the massive amounts of work due all at the same time and, well, just try to cope. One thing that keeps me going is knowing that it has been done before and there are my fellow classmates in the same boat. Back to reading. In case you are wondering what I am reading, the present book is entitled, "Dimensions of Social Welfare Policy." My professor was the head of Child Welfare Services in the Department of Health and Human Services during the Clinton administration. She is amazing. Completely amazing.

The Dude Abides

So I just watched "The Big Lebowski" with one of my friends and I cannot tell you how entertaining that movie is. The more you watch it, the more entertaining it becomes. Sometimes I wish I had the ability to refer to myself in the 3rd person and not sound like a dweeb. I suppose my first step would be to decide which noun to become. "The Elmo" is not as catching, but maybe it will grow on me.

Today I had my 2nd classes in Quantitative Analysis aka statistics and Social Welfare and Economics. Secretly, I could be an economist because I like the idea of ceteris paribus (other things equal). Sometimes I really wish we could apply ceteris paribus to my entire life and just focus on ONE thought or issue. That would require discipline and time I simply do not have. It is simple. Overly simple. I think I need to remember that phrase when things get confusing so, if nothing else, I remember to keep it simple. Next step: just do a quick cost/benefit analysis. What does this relationship cost me? How does it benefit me? Can I truly afford that coffee meeting (and I am not talking just cash)? This is how I justify living in a rotting room in graduate student housing which is ridiculously overpriced: not commuting and being able to participate in campus events outweighs my need for a clean, non-greasy carpet. My room is rotting people. Rotting. I have witnesses. Soon I will have photos. But I love convenience. And my health and lungs seem to be fine so I'll survive.

The Elmo Abides.

Back On the Blog!

Hello my friends and family! I decided to start blogging again for many reasons. One is the $13,000 bill I received today from the University of Pennsylvania, due October 1, 2007. Normally, had I received such a bill, I think I would faint due to my inability to breathe followed by many many tears. But not tonight. No, not tonight. I will get to pay my $13,000 for this semester over then next 10 - 15 years of my life, courtesy of federally backed, non-dischargable student loans! Hooray! I know some of you are burdened by crushing student loan debt and rue the day you decided to further your education. I, right now, am not so jaded. You see, I love being here in Philly and so does my brain. I never thought I would say that I am excited to do standard deviations and to discover that I am totally and unequivocally excited to do research?! Research. Who knows, there might be a PhD in my future. Don't practice Dr. Elmo just yet. Stick with Master :-D I might be on the front lines at the World Bank or I might be in a room doing research and presenting it to folks who might be able to do something about it.
All I have to say is that my future is so bright, I must wear shades and, more importantly, I would not be here were it not for your love and support (wipe the tear away now). Seriously. I will end this post with a promise: that I will attempt to update it regularly and that I will continue personal emails. Not to worry. Just write me back. You know who you are. Insert explicative here.